Save me from myself
by Dellinah
Summary: "The truth is you don't realize everything changes... Until it's too late." Kendall has been feeling depressed lately, and sometimes all he wants to do is disappear. One day, he finds that the answer can be a simple trigger... When it escalates, can James help him? (Warning: Suicidal thoughts.) Kames one-shot.


**Something I wrote while I was traveling a few days ago and got bored on the car. I had never written anything that wasn't K rated so I'm not really sure if this is good or not... Well, I still wanted to give it a shot since I really enjoy reading stories that have a darker scenario, including Big Time Rush ones.**

 **Also, Kames is my otp and I felt like writing more about them.**

 **Well, I hope you enjoy.**

 **Rated T for suicidal thoughts.**

* * *

The truth is you don't realize everything changes until it's too late.

When Kendall joined the Big Time Rush band years ago, he thought that he had, at last, found his place. That it meant a life of happiness and fulfillment. When he went on stage for the very first time, he saw all those people smiling at him. Smiling because of him. It made him feel really good. He liked the thought that he was part of the reason why all those people were happy. He was part of the reason why those people were having a good time. It made him happy that he could make other people happy.

But now that doesn't seem to work anymore. It didn't take him long to realize that those people weren't happy because of him, but because he was famous. They didn't know anything about Kendall Knight. They weren't his friends. He couldn't talk to any of them when he felt sad, he couldn't call then when he was bored and didn't have any plans. Yes, he did make them happy by just being there; but was it any worth when all that matters is his presence rather than himself at all?

Not for him.

He tried to keep on smiling when he thought about his friends and his family. But then again, everything changes. His little sister is not so little anymore. She was always so smart, so independent; she barely needed him when she was a kid. Now that she's growing up, she most likely won't need him ever again. Katie has achieved so much, their mother must be proud of her. But is she proud of him? Probably not. What had he achieved? Other than being part of a boy band, he hasn't really done anything special.

More often than not, he thinks he should tell his friends about how he feels. On the other hand, they seem so satisfied with their lives. Would they even take Kendall seriously? Probably not. Most likely, they would tell him to forget about that and concentrate on their next show. Or maybe they would roll their eyes and say that he was overreacting about that. Or send him to therapy.

Whatever they did, it wouldn't be helpful.

Sometimes, all he wants is leave. Not like moving somewhere else to have a fresh start, but _disappear_. Like if he had never existed. Close his eyes and vanish into thin air. Every night, he wishes there was a way he could. If only there was a way he could go away forever.

"Kendall, what do you think?" Gustavo called.

Kendall snapped out of it in a jump. He looked around a little, startled. James, Carlos and Logan were sitting by his side. They all looked at him with confused expression as James' hand rested on Kendall's shoulder. Across the table, Gustavo and Kelly were also staring at him like if they were waiting for something. Kendall shook his head and cleaned his throat before putting his hand on his head.

"Sorry." He said as he rubbed the back of his head. James took his hand off Kendall's shoulder as the blond boy forced a smile and looked to their producer. "I wasn't really paying attention."

"We were talking about your next show." Kelly said before Gustavo had a chance to yell at Kendall for being distracted. "What do you think about next Friday?"

"That sounds good to me." He said after a shrug. The truth was that just the thought of another show made him sick; like if he was being dragged by force into the stage. But he knew there was nothing he could do. He couldn't just say no; he had a commitment with that band. At least he had a week to get ready. "But I do need some rest, so excuse me."

After saying that, he didn't wait for permission. He just stood up and walked towards the door, pushing it open. In the back of his mind, he heard someone calling out for him, but he didn't turn around to see who it was and he was too distracted to tell. Instead, Kendall stuck his hands down his pockets and kept walking away from the office.

Kendall was almost reaching the exit door when he felt something pull him back. Still focused on his thoughts, it took him a little to turn his head to see what was holding him. He found that his arm was being held by James. His friend had a worried look on his face that Kendall decided to avoid by looking at the ground.

"Hey, Kendall." James said after Kendall didn't say anything. "You kind of scared us back there. Are you ok?"

"Yes, I'm ok, James." He said as he turned around, yet he still faced the ground rather than James' face. "You have nothing to worry about. I'm just a little tired and I need some rest, ok? I have a headache."

"Are you sure you're ok? Don't you want us to take you to a doctor or something? How are you feeli-"

James trailed off when Kendall got rid of his hold by abruptly pulling his arm away from his hand. "Yes, I'm sure I'm ok and no, I don't need any help. I don't want you guys worrying about me because there's nothing to worry about, ok?"

One more time, he didn't wait for an answer. Kendall just closed his eyes as hard as he could and kept walking away. James took a step forward and attempted to follow his friend. He could tell that Kendall wasn't alright like he claimed to be. However, when he started to walk, Logan put a hand on his shoulder. James turned around and saw the other members of the band behind him.

"Let him go, James." Carlos shrugged. "Trying to talk to him right now will be no use. He doesn't even want to hear us, let alone listen to us."

"But-"

"Never thought I would say that," Logan said as he sighed "but Carlos is right. Let's give him some space, ok? We can try to talk to Kendall later. When he's not so sad about whatever is making him sad."

Defeated, James looked sadly at the door through which Kendall had gone away a few seconds before and then looked back at his friends, following them back to the office where Gustavo was waiting for them to ask things about Kendall's behavior that they couldn't answer.

Outside, Kendall held the tears back as he walked home.

* * *

Kendall was lying on his stomach on the couch of the living room. He didn't move at all until he heard his phone ringing inside his pocket. It had ringed three times on his way home, and last time he checked all the calls were from James. He didn't answer any of them. Annoyed, he reached out for it and saw that it was the same person. Kendall rolled his eyes and turned his phone off before letting it slid from his hand to the floor.

He was about to close his eyes and try to take a nap when the front door opened. His mother entered the apartment carrying several paper bags, struggling not to let any of them fall. Jennifer turned around and saw her oldest son on the couch.

"Hey, Kendall." She said as she smiled. "Can you close the door for me, please? I'm out of hands here."

Unwillingly, Kendall left the couch with a groan. Jennifer turned her attention to the jaded boy and raised an eyebrow. He didn't seem to notice she was watching him until she cleaned her throat.

"Kendall..." She said as she placed her hands on her waist. "What happened this time?"

He looked around as to make sure he was the one she was talking to. "What do you mean, mom?" Kendall asked, slowly moving his eyes to look at her.

Jennifer chuckled and let out a worried sigh. "I know you well enough to know when there's something wrong with you. Come on, you can tell me anything. Is it about some girl?" She said and approached her son, placing her hands on his shoulders. "What's bothering you?"

Kendall's mind seemed to yell several answers at him. _What's bothering me? Nothing, just my shallow career, friends that would never understand my pain, a family that doesn't need me and my life in general. Oh, and the fact I want to disappear more often than not but I can't._

Kendall wondered if he should tell his mother. After all, she cared about him. But would she understand what he was going through? Or would she overreact and think he was a freak? She probably would tell everyone about that to ask for help. She would even tell Katie. His little sister was so smart; she would probably know what to do with him.

A grown up man needing the help of his little sister. That would just make him feel worse. It would show that he was even more useless than he felt.

"Nothing, mom." Kendall said after thinking a little. Jennifer had a worried look on her face, most likely because of the silence that preceded his answer. Kendall nodded and gave a step back; forcing his mother to take her hands off his shoulders, then turned around and went back to the couch, lying down again.

"Kendall, dear, you're making me worried. What happened?"

"Nothing. I'm fine mom; you don't have to worry about me. I just want to... I just want to be alone for a while. I don't feel good."

Her jaw dropped as she went to the couch and bent down, placing her hand on his forehead. "You don't feel good? What do you mean? Do you feel sick? Does anything hurt? I will take you to the doctor if you want me..."

"Mom." Kendall interrupted, sitting up and pushing her hand away from his face. "I'm fine, I just feel tired, ok? And honestly, the fact that everyone's asking me what's wrong is not helping at all." He said, sharply, looking into her eyes.

Jennifer gasped. She could not recognize her own son in front of her.

Kendall regretted saying that when he saw the look she had on her face. Forcing a smile, he stood up. The last thing he wanted was for his mother to worry about him all the time and needlessly. "It's just a headache. Because I deal with loud music all time. I assure you, I'm ok." He looked to the door of his bedroom. "And I'll take a nap, alright? I'm pretty sure I'll be fine when I wake up."

"If you say so, dear." She smiled and hugged her son. "But if you need something, anything; just let me know, ok? You can tell me if something's bothering you."

"Sure mom, I will." He said as he turned around to go to his room. As soon as he had his back on her, his smile faded. Kendall had tried to force a smile to himself to make him believe he was happy in the past, but that didn't work. There was no point in doing that anymore.

In fact, smiling seemed really pointless. But at least it made people believe he was fine and kept them away from him.

He had come up with the nap story as an excuse to be alone, but Kendall realized it could be a good idea. He closed the door, turned the lights off and collapsed onto his mattress, closing his eyes. It made him feel good.

After all, sleeping was the closest he could get to disappearing.

* * *

Kendall rubbed his eyes before blinking them open. Glancing at the clock, he realized he had fallen asleep for the whole afternoon. He sighed and kicked the blanket, which fell on the floor with a thud. As he didn't hear anything, he assumed he was home alone and opened the door.

The sudden exposition to light made his eyes hurt as he cringed a little. However, when his vision adjusted, he saw that James was on the couch and frowned. He tried to go back to his room, but James took notice of Kendall and stood up. Kendall sighed, defeated.

"Hey, Kendall." He said with a smile.

"Hey."

"How are you?"

"Why are you here?" Kendall said, rolling his eyes.

"Wow, nice to see you too, Kendall." James said and held out his hands. "I called you like, five times. I was worried because you never answered your phone so I decided to come here and check if you were alright. Your mom told me you were ok and sleeping so I decided to wait."

"Why? She told you I was ok, which I am. You didn't have to stay here." Kendall said with a serious voice as he shook his head and walked over to the fridge, doing his best to avoid James' eyes.

"Wow, sorry if I care for you." James said, placing his hand over his chest for a dramatic effect. "I just wanted to know... How you're feeling. You haven't been acting like yourself these days."

"I'm totally fine, please believe me. I just wish everyone would stop asking me what's wrong all the time. Maybe what's wrong is the fact that I can't have five seconds of peace because nobody will leave me alone!" He said slamming the door of fridge closed without getting anything at all.

James seemed calm despite his friend's sudden explosion. He walked over to the balcony and sat down, placing his hands on the table. "Ok. Is it?"

Kendall's expression changed from fury to confusion. "What?"

"You said that maybe all the attention you're getting is what's making you angry, sad, whatever you are now. Is it?"

"Hum..."

"Be honest with me."

"I... Maybe... It's annoying me, ok? Why does everybody think I'm not fine? I've told you so many times that I am totally fine and you keep on asking." He said as he sat down as well, across the table, but looked to the floor.

"It's annoying you, alright. But is it what's making you feel sad?"

Kendall was caught off guard again. He looked into James' eyes for a second and saw that he asked because he was genuinely worried, which made him consider telling James the truth: just tell him that he could no longer carry on living because there was nothing that made him happy anymore. Maybe telling James would make him feel better. Maybe his friends would actually help him to feel happy again. Maybe they wouldn't think of him as a creep.

But what if they did?

"Yes." Kendall said when green eyes met brown eyes. "I just want to be alone for a while. I just want you all to believe I'm fine when I say I'm fine rather than doubt me and ask over and over again."

James looked at Kendall with an unreadable expression, almost as if he was studying Kendall to decide on whether he should believe those words or not. Kendall looked into James' eyes all the time, hoping the eye contact would make his words more believable.

"Ok, then." The taller boy said at last. The lump Kendall felt in his throat disappeared as he sighed in relief when James stood up. He thought his friend was leaving and did the same, but then James walked over to Kendall and didn't stop until their faces were inches apart. Kendall tried to give a step back, but realized he was trapped against the balcony. "But if you ever feel sad or anything, please, just let me know, ok? If you ever need anything, if you ever need anyone to talk to or just to stay by your side, call me." He smiled for a second. "Ok?"

Kendall swallowed. He felt uncomfortable being so close to his friend; not only because he was afraid James could see he was trying to not to cry, but also because he felt under pressure and that tempted him to confess. Looking down, he placed one of his hands on James's chest and pushed him away.

"Sure, whatever, I'll just let you know." Kendall said cleaning his throat and walked away from the balcony to increase the distance between him and James.

James raised an eyebrow, as if he didn't believe Kendall was actually going to tell him or anything, but he didn't argue anymore. Before he could say anything, a lightning stroke outside, followed by a thunder.

"Wow." James said, shivering a little. "I didn't see rain coming when I was on my way here. Anyway, I'm going to meet the boys, your mom and Katie to have dinner. Do you want to come with us?"

"No." Kendall said without a trace of hesitation.

"Okay. Can you lend me an umbrella, though?"

Kendall sighed in annoyance. All he wanted was to be alone, but he felt like James was never going to leave. Nevertheless, he nodded and went to his mother's room, motioning for his friend to follow him.

As soon as they were there, Kendall stood on the tip of his toes and opened the highest closet. "It should be here." He said when he looked from side to side but saw nothing but clothes and a box. He looked to a chair and brought it closer, standing on it and looking inside the closet.

"Found it?" James asked.

"No... Oh, here it is." He reached for the red umbrella that was under a few clothes. When he did so, his elbow accidentally knocked the box and it fell on the floor with a metallic thud. Kendall jumped out of the chair and tried to give the umbrella to James, but his friend wasn't paying attention. He was staring at something.

"James? What are you looking...?"

Kendall followed James gaze and trailed off when his eyes fell upon a pistol. It was on the floor, not far from the box. They were both quiet for a moment, until James looked at Kendall with a scared look.

"Kendall… W-Why d-does your mother have a gun?"

"Hum? Oh." Kendall said, shaking his head as he snapped back to reality. "I... I didn't know she still kept it. You know, my father was a policeman and I remember he used that." He tossed the umbrella aside and went to get the gun. He could feel his heart beat fast as he held it, but for some reason he couldn't quite explain, he also felt good holding it.

"Whoa, careful!" James said as he let out a shriek. "That could be loaded! One of us could get hurt... Or even worse." He gave a step back when Kendall turned around with the gun on his hands. "Careful!"

"Come on, I'm not even touching the trigger."

"It doesn't matter. Accidents can happen. Please, just put that back in the box and put the box back in the closet, ok? Your mother could be angry at us if she found we took it off its place."

After a few seconds just staring at the object he had in his hands, Kendall did as James told him. However, he had a frozen look on his face the whole time, as if he was there but his mind wasn't. He watched as James took the umbrella and followed him as he walked to the door.

"Kendall?" He called, trying to get his friend's attention.

"What?" Kendall replied, however he didn't seem to be listening at all.

"Are you..." James stopped his sentence, as if he wasn't sure if he should ask whatever he wanted to ask. After a few seconds, he sighed. "Are you sure you don't want to come have dinner with us?"

"Yeah, I'm not hungry. I told you not to worry about me."

"Okay, then. If you need anyone, call me."

"Sure, sure, I will. Bye, James." Kendall hastened to say. He couldn't wait to be alone again.

"Bye, Kendall." James said with sad eyes as he turned around and walked toward the elevator. Kendall waited until he heard the metallic doors closing to close the door of the apartment. He sighed in relief when he realized he was alone, putting his back against the door and sliding to the floor.

* * *

It was so obvious.

All that time, Kendall had been sad because he wanted to disappear, but he didn't know how. Actually, he didn't know he could. It had never occurred to him that he could disappear. He could go away forever. He could free himself.

All he needed to do was pull a trigger. Just a simple move and everything would be gone. No more emptiness, no more pain, no more sadness.

He spent one hour sitting by the doorway and contemplating his idea. It seemed to be madness; and perhaps it was. But then again, he would free himself. All he needed to do was commit suicide. Kendall swallowed hard at the thought; it seemed so crazy yet so easy at the same time.

After shaking his head, he stood up and walked to his mother's room again; following the steps he had done earlier. Looking around to check if he was indeed home alone, he opened the gun to see if it was loaded. Kendall couldn't explain what he felt when he saw it was. There was only one bullet, but it was all he needed.

The corners of his mouth went up unwittingly. He couldn't deny the idea made him happy. Somehow. It scared him too, but either way he smiled. He heard a noise and looked to the living room to check if his mother was home, and was relieved to see he was still alone.

When he looked back at the gun, he glanced at the mirror near his mother's bed. Without thinking at all, he pointed the gun to his head and looked at his reflection. Giving quick breaths, he dropped the gun and sat on the floor, putting his hands on his head.

It was madness.

But it could work.

However, Kendall wasn't impulsive. He needed some time to think about that. He wasn't just going to pull the trigger there. Maybe it wasn't the solution, after all. Maybe it was, but what if it wasn't?

One thing he was sure: if he did that, there was no going back.

Kendall stood up and took a deep breath. He got the box and put it back on the closet, neatly folding all the clothes and closing the closet as if he had never even been there. However, when he took the gun in his hands, he didn't put it back to where it was. Instead he took it to his room and hid it in his own closet, under several jackets.

He lay on his bed and closed his eyes. Kendall felt guilty, never in his life had he lied to his mother, and now he had stolen something from her. If she found out, she would never trust him again. If she found out he had stolen a gun, she would freak out.

What would everyone think if they found out he was keeping a gun with him? There was no excuse he could come up with for that.

He fell asleep with these thoughts on his mind. Even if he hadn't made up his mind yet, he couldn't help but think how much easier things would be if he just disappeared like he wanted.

And now, he could.

* * *

If Kendall had lied when he said that what was making him sad was all that attention, he wasn't lying when he said that all the people asking him why he had such dark circles under his eyes annoyed him to death.

"Wow, what happened last night? Did you have a nightmare or something like that?" Carlos asked Kendall when they were all sitting down to have breakfast. The blond boy lifted his tired eyes to look at his friend with a not amused expression.

"I couldn't sleep, I don't know why." He lied. Even if Kendall had tried to sleep at night, the idea of killing himself kept him awake. He woke up several times after nightmares and fell asleep with plans and possible scenarios of what could happen if he did suicide and what could happen if he didn't.

Somehow, the prior seemed happier to him.

The only one at the table who seemed concerned was James. He was about to open his mouth and ask Kendall if he was fine when they door behind them opened to reveal a happy black girl who held a clipboard.

"Ok everybody, I have some good news: we managed to book your show tonight! So eat as fast as you can and get in the car, we have hardly fifteen hours to do everything we have to do."

The news was received with cheer and fist bumps by Carlos and Logan, but they were interrupted by Kendall's shaky voice. "Tonight? But it was supposed to be next Friday, almost a week from now! Not tonight!"

Kelly seemed surprised at his reaction. "I know this is a little unexpected, but we can do it if we hurry. You have ten minutes to eat and brush your teeth and... Carlos, please put on some clean clothes, ok? I'm waiting for you!"

Kendall stood up from his chair and ran to the bathroom as soon as the girl disappeared through the door. He closed the door behind him and placed his hands on the sink, washing his face as he shook his head.

His heart was beating fast inside his chest. He didn't want, he couldn't sing that night. No, he couldn't face the audience, pretend to be happy, take pictures, and sing at the top of his lungs. That sounded almost like torture to him. He just couldn't do it.

But he couldn't say no either. Kendall knew he had to do it even if he couldn't do it. What could he do? How would he...

Kendall's train of thought was interrupted when Carlos knocked on the door because he needed to use the bathroom. Kendall splashed cold water all over his face again before opening the door and going to his room under the excuse of needing new clothes. He nodded when Logan told him to rush and closed the door of his room.

Taking short and sharp breaths, Kendall put on his leather jacket. He bent down and grabbed the gun and looked at it. He wished he had had more time to think, but it was clear to him now.

He had to do something he didn't want to. That was the only solution.

Kendall tucked the pistol into the waistband of his pants, hiding it with his jacket. He was going to kill himself that night, and that was it.

When his friends called him to go, he couldn't feel more scared.

But he had never felt that good in a very, very long time.

* * *

The day went by faster than Kendall expected. Between the band rehearsals, a few breaks to eat and going to the salon to get his hair done for the show, Kendall had felt okay. Not happy, not fine, but okay. It was better than how he had felt that morning.

The idea of committing suicide was stronger on his mind than it had ever been. As he looked out the window of the car, he seemed to be watching the several lights, buildings and cars that were outside. But his mind wasn't there. He was thinking about all the pain he had felt and how everything was going to be over soon. That thought made him smile.

Kendall felt the gun under his thick clothes. His heart started to beat fast whenever he did it, and he wondered if he would ever feel regret. But so far, that hadn't happened. He expected to feel regret when he touched that gun.

But he just didn't.

Carlos, James and Logan didn't stop talking about how excited they were. About how cool it was to be a singer. About how happy they were. Kendall never once joined their conversations. If they attempted to call him, all he did was nod and look back to the window.

"Kendall?"

The blond boy expected to be told that they had gotten there already, but when he turned his head he saw that the car only stopped because of a red light. Before he could say anything, James moved to Kendall's side and smiled.

"Isn't this exciting?" He asked, with a smile that seemed a little forced.

Kendall forced a smile as well before turning his attention back to the window. He had too much going on his mind to have a conversation and wished James would just take a hint. However, Kendall's heart started to beat fast when James wrapped his arm around him. They were so close that Kendall was afraid James would feel the gun he had on his waist.

"Are you ok?"

Kendall rolled his eyes. Not even his mother had asked that as many times as James had. He slowly slid as close to the door as he could, trying to get away from James' embrace. "Yeah, why wouldn't I be? We've done this plenty of times." He sighed. "Go on stage, sing, and go home."

Kendall took a deep breath as he realized he wasn't going to do any of those things. He didn't know how he was going to do it, but he was not going to sing that night. It made him feel weird how he didn't feel regret. He expected to feel at least nervous when he touched the gun, but he didn't. Instead, he felt good.

When Kendall shook his head to get back to reality, he realized James wasn't by his side anymore. He had gone back to his previous spot on the other seat with Carlos and Logan, smiling and talking about how happy they were again. For a moment, Kendall wondered if James had said anything else when he was by his side, because he had been too distracted to hear.

However, the car stopped before he could ask anything. It was time for them to go.

* * *

Kendall stayed with the band for over an hour as they watched everything be prepared. There were around twenty minutes left before the show could start and when the backstage was silent enough they could hear some fans shouting out their names.

After a sigh, Kendall stood up and turned to his friends. The thought of leaving them made him sad, but not sad enough to make him give up. He swallowed the lump he felt on his throat, and he did, he could feel all the tears he was keeping inside him.

"I... I need some fresh air, ok?" Kendall said as he gave small steps. "I'll just go outside to breathe a little."

"Ok, but don't take too long. We have to go on stage in fifteen minutes." Logan said, nonchalantly looking at the clock as he watched his friend walk away.

"Oh, it's not going to take very long." Kendall said more to himself than to anyone else.

His heart pounded against his chest. With every step that he gave toward the big red exit door, he felt more and more apprehensive. Kendall looked to the ground the whole time, avoiding everyone. Suddenly, he felt the urge to cry. Biting his lip, he started to run as fast as he could, and before he knew it, he was outside.

The exit door leaded to a wasteland that had seen better days. Kendall waited until he heard the loud thud of the door closing behind him before walking away from the building. He didn't stop walking until the old wall that surrounded the whole building kept him from doing so.

Kendall never looked behind. Deep inside, he knew that if he did he would go weak and give up. But the thought of going on stage is too much. He just couldn't do it. He swallowed the tears again one more time.

That was it.

Kendall closed his eyes as he reached inside his jacket and wrapped his hand around the cold gun. He expected to feel sorry when he did so, but he didn't. All he wanted to do was get that over with.

Then, he felt somebody's hand close tightly around his wrist.

"Don't do it. Please, I beg you. Don't do it." James whispered.

Kendall's eyes shot open. He felt his knees go weak and he suddenly had the urge to throw up. He froze in place and his eyes started to water, but he wasn't going to let the tears fall down.

"James, let me go." He stammered. Kendall could feel James' breath on his neck as he felt James' free hand hold his arm that wasn't holding the gun; immobilizing him.

"No. You let the gun go, and then I let you go."

"James, get out of here. Leave me alone." Kendall said with a shaky voice. It was useless to try; he couldn't disguise his tears anymore. However, he still fought as hard as he could to hold them back. He tried to get rid of James' hold, but he was way stronger than he was.

Awkwardly calm for that situation, James leaned over and put his mouth near Kendall's ear. "If you don't let that gun go now, I'll take it from you and tell everybody about what you were planning to do. They'll never leave you alone again. They'll send you to psychologists and treat you like you were crazy. Is that what you want?"

Kendall's heart pounded against his chest again. He clenched his teeth and his eyes before sighing in defeat. "No..." He whispered as his hand loosened from the gun in his waistband. As soon as he did so, James took the gun and released Kendall. The blond boy couldn't turn around to face James, all he wanted to do was disappear and never face anyone again.

He was so lost in his thoughts that he was startled when James turned him around and wrapped his arms around him, taking him in a hug. James buried his face in Kendall's neck and sobbed, sighing.

"Come with me." He said when they pulled away. He took Kendall's hand and started to pull him toward the building. "Let's get out of here."

"I don't want to sing tonight." Kendall said as he followed James. He didn't have enough strength to stand still, but his steps were loosen and unsure.

"We're not. I'm not taking you to the stage. We're going home." James said as he took Kendall around the building, going to the front of it. The street was full of cars; most of them surely belonged to the people who were inside the building expecting to see the boys sing.

"Oh, yeah, what could possibly happen with two boys walking home at night? It's just going to take us, I don't know, an hour or so to get there." Kendall huffed as James looked from side to side. He then looked at Kendall and smiled.

"We're not walking." He put the gun inside his pocket to free his hand and reached for his other pocket, taking a key out of it. Kendall's jaw dropped when he recognized it as being Gustavo's key; the key of his Porsche. "Gustavo always takes a nap after he eats. If you're careful enough, you can reach his pocket without waking him up."

Kendall was almost amused at James' behavior. However, he still felt angry, sad and mad that he didn't get to do what he wanted. None of them said anything else as James spotted the red car and took Kendall there, opening the passenger door. He took a while to release Kendall's hand, as if he was afraid that he would run away when free. However, he just sat down and closed the door.

Soon enough, James went to the driver's seat and turned key to the right, quickly driving them into the street and guiding toward home. Kendall looked out the window just like he did when they were going to the show, avoiding James' eyes.

"You scared me." James said after some minutes of silence.

"How did you know what I was going to do?" Kendall asked with naturalness. Still, he didn't look at James.

"When we were on our way to the stage and I sat by your side on the car, I saw the gun under your jacket. You have no idea how much you scared me. I thought I was going to be too late."

"Still, you could be wrong. What made you think I brought the gun to kill myself? How did you know it wasn't meant to kill somebody else or anything?" Kendall was actually curious. Suddenly, it felt like they weren't talking about something as serious as a suicide.

"The way you had been acting."

Kendall finally turned his head and looked at James. The taller boy still had his eyes focused on the road, not once turning to look at Kendall. He tilted his head, as if that answer wasn't enough.

"The way I had been acting?"

James took a deep breath and bit his lips. Kendall could swear he heard him sniff as if he was trying not to cry. "That was exactly how my brother was before the night of his suicide."

Kendall froze in place as James closed his eyes for a second and gulped. Kendall knew he was trying to swallow the tears, just like he had been doing a lot that week. "Your… What?" He stammered. For a moment, he wondered if James was making that up to make him feel bad, but he could tell James wasn't lying.

"My older brother, Shawn. He committed suicide when I was ten. Why do you think my mother is so weird and cold, obsessed with organization? Why do you think my parents divorced?" His voice started to get shaky as he wiped some tears away. "You may think suicide is the end, Kendall, but it's just the beginning. When I found his dead body in our backyard, everything started to go down."

"You had a brother?" Kendall asked. He wanted to hug his friend and say something to make him feel better, but he just couldn't find his voice. When they stopped on a red light, James sighed and looked at Kendall's wide eyes.

"Yeah, I did. He was my best friend and we shared the dream of becoming famous, you know? I loved him to the core. Then one week he started to act like you did. He avoided me and said he was too busy to play. Then one day, when I came home after school, well... He was... I found him in the backyard. And I never knew why he did that. I... I wonder if I had something to do with his death, maybe I annoyed him too much sometimes, I don't know."

By the time the light turned green again, James had tears rolling down his face. He remained in silence until they stopped again on another red light. Kendall felt like his voice had been ripped of him, for he couldn't say anything. He couldn't even think of what he should say.

"I was just so, so scared when I thought you could kill yourself. I mean, it would be terrible to lose any of my friends, but you..." He looked into Kendall's green eyes and then he looked at the driver's wheel in front of him. "You're special. And I was afraid of losing you, ok? That's why I told you to call me if you needed anything. I just... If I hadn't followed you, you would be gone forever."

James rolled his eyes as he kept driving when the light turned green. Kendall remained silent until they got home. The hotel was pretty much empty; the few people who were there didn't seem to notice Kendall and James as they went to the elevator. Not a word was said as they entered the apartment and went to the couch, sitting side by side.

"I'm sorry for your brother." Kendall whispered at last. "I didn't know. And... Don't blame yourself. I'm sure you had nothing to do with that." He looked at James and smiled, causing the other one to smile too.

"Thank you." He put one hand on Kendall's back before pulling him closer and giving him a hug. For the first time that night, Kendall returned the hug and rubbed his head on James' shoulder. When they pulled away, Kendall sniffed and bit his lip. "I never had the chance to ask Shawn why he did that. But I have to chance to ask you now. I understand if you don't want to answer, but... Why?"

With that, Kendall dissolved into tears. James was startled at first, but he quickly wrapped his arms around Kendall's shoulders and pulled him closer as he pressed his back against the couch, so that Kendall was laying on top of him with his head on his chest. It took him several minutes of crying before he could calm himself enough to speak.

"I just don't know anymore. I feel like I'm never happy and I feel like nothing I do is worth it. My sister doesn't need me; all I do is sing for people who don't care for me at all. I mean, really, what am I doing with my life?"

James hugged Kendall and used his hand to wipe his tears away as he kept on crying. Kendall didn't know how long he had been crying, but after what felt like forever he was finally able to stop crying. He blushed a little before pushing himself up and sitting up as he kept wiping his tears away.

"Do you feel better now?" James asked, sitting up as well and patting Kendall's back. His shirt was wet from Kendall's tears, but he didn't seem to mind. The blond boy nodded and swallowed hard, feeling that all the tears he had been holding back all that time were gone, but his chest still pained.

"It's not that easy, James. It's not like I'm going to feel better after a hug and crying. I... I still sort of want to kill myself. And I'm still angry that you kept me from doing it." Kendall crossed his arms. "I don't know what that is, but I... I feel so useless. I feel so alone, as if nobody really needed me."

He was about to start crying again, when James' voice kept him from doing so.

"I need you."

When Kendall turned his head to ask what James meant, the taller boy leaned forward and closed the gap between them with a kiss. When their lips met, Kendall wanted to pull back and ask what the hell James was doing, but he slowly melted into it. He closed his eyes and started to kiss James back, opening his mouth just enough to let James run his tongue through his lower lip.

James' lips felt soft, but the kiss never felt unsure. Instead, Kendall moved his hand over to James' neck, as if he wanted to make sure he was as close as he could.

When they pulled away, they both had their faces red. Their eyes met for three seconds before Kendall looked down in embarrassment.

"I wasn't lying when I said you were special. The reason why I was so scared of losing is, well, you see... I kind of like you." He slowly tapped the couch until he found Kendall's hand and entwined their fingers together.

"Really?" Kendall asked, gathering as much strength as he could to look James in the eye. "You like me?"

"Yeah..." James backed away and scratched the back of his head. "I guess I do." The taller boy swallowed and looked back at James. "The first thing I thought when I held your hand and kept you from killing yourself... Well, I realized you would die and you would never know that I love you."

Kendall looked at James. "You said love instead of like."

"I know." He smiled. "I was always afraid of what your reaction would be. I mean, maybe you didn't love me back. But man… I would never forgive myself for not telling you if I hadn't reached you in time."

Kendall shook his head and bit his lip. "Why?"

"Why what?"

"Why do you even like me? I'm a waste of space. That's one of the reasons why I wanted to kill myself."

"Hey." James sounded like Kendall had just offended his family. "You're anything but a waste of space. You're a beautiful human being that helped my dream to come true." James stopped talking for a moment to move his hand over to Kendall's face. He held his chin and turned his head so he looked at James instead of the floor. "Whenever I have a problem, I know I can talk to you and you'll help me no matter what. I like the way you joke around with us but at the same time you're so responsible. You're my best friend… And I always hoped you could be more than that. But I'm ok if you don't want to… As long as you're by my side."

Kendall's eyes were a little watery, but he seemed to reflect on what James had just said. Not long after that, he closed his eyes and leaned forward to kiss James again. Suddenly, the will he had to kill himself seemed smaller inside his chest.

When they pulled apart, Kendall rested his forehead against James'. "So…" He said with a dorky smile. "Are you gay or what?"

James let out a giggle. "Bisexual."

"I see." Kendall backed away from James and looked to the floor. "Man, Gustavo and Kelly are going to kill us."

"Gustavo, Kelly, Logan and Carlos. And probably everyone who wanted to watch our show." James laughed. "We screwed it up really bad this time. But… It was worth it." He said as he looked to James with a smile.

"James…" Kendall said, rubbing his hands together. "What are we now?"

"What do you want us to be?"

"I… I don't know."

"I don't want you to be with me just because I stopped your suicide. If you're going to stay with me, I want it to be because you love me back. So… I can't say I would be ok, but it's fine by me if you want to be just my friend."

Kendall tapped his foot and looked back at James. After a while, he gave his friend a hug. "I… I want to be your boyfriend." He whispered.

"Really?"

"Yeah. If I have you by my side… I think I can go through life."

James smiled and returned the hug, kissing Kendall on the cheek. Kendall pulled away from the hug and kissed James on his neck and jawline before kissing his mouth again. When he laid down on his boyfriend's chest and felt James stroke his hair, committing suicide seemed something really distant from that moment.

"Can we please not tell anybody about what I did?" Kendall says, looking up at James.

"Ok… If you promise me you won't do it again. And if you ever feel tempted to, you'll tell me."

"I promise." He smiled and sighed. "I can't wait to see everyone's reaction when we tell them about us."

Laughing, James tightened the grip on Kendall. "Me neither."

Kendall reached for James' hand and entwined their fingers together. "Thank you… For saving me from myself."

"Anytime, Kendall." James said as he placed a kiss on Kendall's head. "Anytime."

* * *

 **Wow, this certainly took way longer than I thought it would... And it turned out way longer too. Over 8,000 words… Wow. Well, I've written longer one-shots, I just never expected this would be this long.**

 **Not sure if I liked the way this turned out or not. Oh well, I thought I would publish regardless.**

 **Thank you for reading!**


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